Canned Beets and MC Hammer Can Survive "The Big One"

By Kelly Sinon

They say that “The Big One” is inevitable. We live in California, surrounded by a network of earthquake fault lines and all of us are within their crosshairs. Not to scare you, but nothing says safety like “Duck and Cover.”  What elementary school kid in the 70’s wasn’t told that their metal and plywood desk would hold up an entire roof of a school building?

As the complacent Californians that we are, we’re jolted awake every so often at 2 a.m. for the requisite 3.0 that reminds us that we have canned beets that someone brought over from last Thanksgiving, a gallon of water and an open box of granola bars in our Earthquake Survival Kit; all for a family of four.  

 All of that is pretty scary when you think about it, but the canned beets only scare me so much. My fear lies more in the embarrassing realization that when “The Big One” hits, I will not be at my desk at work, or under it, but most probably doing something human.

 Sleeping. Naked. Showering. Naked. Going to the bathroom. Half-Naked.  That’s right. Think about it. It’s said that we spend a good chunk of our time in the bathroom so the odds are pretty good that we’ll be doing something that requires privacy and little to no clothing.  And we spend even more time sleeping.  I’m screwed.

 Venturing into , as the kids say, “TMI Territory”, I know this is how it will be for me, since after every 2 a.m. tremor, I wear something to bed for a week, convinced it’s a precursor to “The Big One”, only to get that dangerous, “I’m invincible” feeling and throw the jammies by the wayside.

The Survival Kit should contain clothes, we know but where to put the Survival Kit?  Ours is in the garage. Our bedroom is on the second floor. I guess that’s okay, because after “The Big One”, our bedroom might also now be in the garage, which scares me because there is no tiny desk to “Duck and Cover” under anywhere in our house.

Just as the food and water should be changed out of the Survival Kit every so often for fresh goods, the clothes should also be changed. How many Survival Kits contain MC Hammer’s Parachute pants after 1989’s Loma Prieta?  Makes you almost rethink that naked thing after seeing those in there, doesn’t it?

Californians are sturdy stock. We go about the business of living, knowing that we live in one of nature’s most unpredictable places. We retrofit, redesign and educate; but we have yet to build the “Duck and Cover” proof desk and I am patiently waiting, because canned beets and MC Hammer won’t give me dignity.


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Want to see how big that last earthquake was? Check out http://www.usgs.gov

Easy Liberation

By Kelly Sinon

                I’m no noob to the marriage game and I am embarrassed to admit that I have finally figured it out.
The Secret. The crypt has been opened after nearly 21 years, revealing The One.  The Equalizer; and it’s so simple, anyone can do it. When I say anyone, I mean wives. I do not want this information leaked out to the “stronger” sex. Don’t even get me started on that manacle.
                Come closer, ladies, and let me tell you the secret of…(angels sing) “I forgot.”
Year one into marriage:
Wife: “Hi, Sweetheart. How was your day? Did you remember my mother’s birthday card at the store?”
Husband: “I forgot.”
Wife: “That’s okay. I know I asked you as you were running out the door. I’ll get it. You work so hard,” Giving him a kiss.
Year five into marriage:Wife: “Hi, Babe, I’m upstairs folding laundry! Did you remember to call the plumber? Katie tried to flush her Barbie again.”
Husband: “I forgot.”
Wife: (sigh) “Okay, well, I guess I can do it after I pick Katie up and run to the store to pick up Mom’s birthday card again,”  From up the stairs.
Year ten into marriage:
Wife: “(insert offending husband’s name here), did you remember to pay the car insurance bill?”
Husband: “I forgot.”
Wife: “Alright. (pressing lips together) “After I pick up the kids, and call the plumber after we tried to fix the leaky toilet again, and pick up Mom’s birthday card. Again. I will pay the car insurance bill.”
Year 15 into marriage:
Wife: “Hey, did you remember to defrost the steaks you’re grilling tonight? The family will be here at six.”
Husband: “I forgot.”
Wife: (rolls eyes) “Seriously? We’ll order pizza.”
Year 20 into marriage:
Husband: “Hon, (he never calls you by your name. You are convinced he’s forgotten it) did you pull the laundry out of the dryer?”
Wife: (those are not my socks and damned well not my underwear. Ewww) Well, I was about…
(somewhere, angels sing). “You know what? I… (deep breath followed by exhilarated exhalation)…forgot!”
Husband: “Oh, okay.”
                Wait, what? That was easy. Too easy. Is that all I had to do? I have kept a day planner in my head for every bill, dentist office’s phone number, birth date, chore and homework assignment for 21 years and this is the easy fix?  “I forgot.”

                 Shock and awe! I was liberated by two words.

 In the last few days, I have “forgotten” to make the bed, cook dinner and even brush my hair on Sunday.

                 I am going to enjoy the next 21 years.