By: Kelly Sinon
Recently, when it was time to part with my sweet "Carmela Soprano" a.k.a my old Cadillac Escalade, with the sketchy electrical system, and sporadically stuck gear box, I was at a loss. (Cue U2's "With or Without You") I mean, I knew what it took to get that behemoth of a vehicle to run every morning. It was as easy as brushing my teeth.
(Cue Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks") Carm was beautiful and classy and had all the bling imaginable. I bought her in 2004, when she was a mere four years old, and HBO's The Sopranos was still going strong. But 10 years later, she was an aging actress. A few dings on the outside, and like a good manager, (Cue Journey's "Don't Stop Believin' ") I was in denial of the real issues underneath. It wasn't for lack of trying; no "doctors" could diagnose her ailments. Her illnesses were as mysterious as she.
Even under the best of circumstances, my work day might start lke this:
Normal Driving Conditions:
Step one: Unlock door using key fob with fading battery and range.
Step two: Use key to (really) unlock and open door.
Step three: Jump up on running board, while making seizure-esque twisting motion to fall into driver's seat.
Step four: Insert key in ignition, apply brake, turn ignition to "Acc".
Step five: Put car in Neutral.
Step six: Start car.
Step seven: Put car in Reverse.
Step eight: Look for cat with death wish in rear view and (Cue Bon Jovi's "Livin' On a Prayer") back out of driveway.
Winter Driving in Rain: See above steps, and add:
Faulty electrical makes for an interesting gambling situation. (Cue Phil Collins' "Against All Odds") Will the windshield wipers stay on just long enough for me to get to work? If they do shut off, will I be close enough to the office to get there without needing to pull over and swipe my windshield with my hand?
Summer Driving in 104 Degrees: See above steps, and add:
Faulty electrical makes for an interesting gambling situation. (Cue The Boss' "I'm On Fire") Will the A/C work, or will I have to roll the widows down? Will the widows roll down? Will I be cruising down the highway in a very pretty Silver Sand hot box? I would be also be doing it in total silence, because when all of that happens, the radio also shuts off. So, I have more time to quietly contemplate my impending heatstroke.
I was okay with all of this until I pulled into work, tried to open the door (It was a good day...all systems were a go, and I might have even been singing along to the radio), and the door handle; a very pretty chrome one, I might add, came off in my hand. I stared stupidly at it. Wait... this isn't electrical. It has to work.
I opened the window, stuck my hand out and opened it from the outside, while visions of channeling Bo and/or Luke Duke in paunchy, middle-aged woman guise in case I had to (Cue Duke's of Hazzard theme) shimmy out the opened widow, danced in my head. With the door now open, I pressed the button to close the widow back up. You know...because it's electric.
A couple of weeks of this, and even a time or two having to climb over the huge center console to get out on the passenger side, because Carm (really Stephen King's "Christine"?) didn't want to let me out, thrown in for good measure, and (Cue The Greg Kihn Band's "Breakup Song") I was was done. It was time to move on, as much as I loved her.
So, I began shopping for a new Partner in Cruising Crime. I wanted something smaller now, since there were no more field hockey tournaments, family vacations were not as frequent, with the kids growing up and it might be nice to drive away from the gas station for less than $90.00. Plus, the added bonus of an open roof for coastal drives at sunset might help ease the pain.(Cue Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U") I still wanted beauty and bling.
It took some research, but I'm happy with my choice of something safe, sleek and sparkly. After seeing it in the lot, a work friend asked what I'd named her. I had't yet, and I felt bad, for Carm had her name almost immediately.
That Sunday, I drove her up to San Jose to meet The Husband for a date, work schedules be damned.
Her first mini-road trip. I smiled at how fast she moved, I basked in the open roof, shades on, and didn't think of getting lost, since she told me where to go. It was time. The Name.
I thought for a split-second, she might be a he; Don Draper, in homage to AMC's Mad Men's protagonist. Sharp...sexy. But then it hit me. This is no man's car. This is Betty Draper-Francis. Don's ex-wife; beautiful, full of attitude and not afraid to tell you where to go. And she'll even look behind her for the cat with a death wish.
(...and fade with Smokey Robinson's "Cruisin' ")
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Kelly Sinon can be reached at sksinon@aol.com...if she's not out cruising the open road.
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